Updated on February 21, 2026

Why I Told My Son Not to Go Above and Beyond and Just Give His Best to Everyone

The other night, one of my sons and I were talking about work. Not his work – mine. I was venting a little about dysfunction, about decisions that didn’t make sense, about things I would do differently.

At one point I shrugged and said something along the lines of, “I don’t really care. They obviously don’t, so why should I?”.

He was genuinely taken aback. He told me that attitude felt unprofessional.

And honestly? I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

Because I don’t believe I am unprofessional. I believe I’m pragmatic. And more than that, I believe I’ve learned something that took me many years, the hard way; something I wish someone had sat me down and explained to me when I was his age.

In a way, my son isn’t just my child, he’s my proxy. He’s my younger self, standing in front of me, with that wonderful fresh optimism and a strong sense of how things should work.

This Is Not About Caring Less

Let me be very clear about something.

I am not advocating laziness.
I am not saying do the bare minimum.
I am not saying disengage or cut corners.

What I am saying is this – do the job you were hired to do; ethically, competently, and with integrity. But don’t confuse professionalism with self-sacrifice.

There is a difference between caring about your work and over-giving to systems or leaders that have shown you over time, that your effort isn’t valued.

That nuance matters.

Experience Changes the Lens

I’ve been in the workforce for over forty years. Twenty-five of those were spent in a big corporate environment, and more than five of those years I was in a senior leadership role.

I’ve seen and worked with some incredible leaders – the kind you’d gladly pull all-nighters for. The kind who set the tone through their actions, not their words. The kind who made people want to do better, not because they were told to, but because they felt respected and trusted.

I’ve also worked for and alongside a lot of people who called themselves leaders, but clearly were not.

They talked about culture.
They talked about values.
They talked about people.

And behind the scenes, it was ego, optics, and self-preservation. Caring was performative. Listening was selective. Integrity was flexible when inconvenient.

That contrast teaches you something important, if you are paying attention.

Best Effort Is Earned, Not Owed

Here’s the part I wish I’d understood earlier in my career: your very best effort is not an obligation. It’s a gift.

Yes, you owe your employer competence.
Yes, you owe them honesty.
Yes, you owe them the work outlined in the job you agreed to do.

What you do not owe – especially by default – is emotional labour, unpaid innovation, or the kind of above-and-beyond effort that quietly props up broken systems.

Don’t exhaust yourself fixing problems you weren’t hired or empowered to solve.

Don’t Confuse Loyalty with Silence

A lot of workplaces subtly teach people that:

• loyalty = not rocking the boat
• loyalty = keeping your head down
• loyalty = protecting leadership from discomfort

But real loyalty, the healthy kind, looks more like this:

• caring enough to speak up when something isn’t working
• offering honest feedback because you want things to be better
• raising concerns respectfully, not gossiping or undermining

Silence often looks like or feels like loyalty, but it’s usually just self-protection.

Why Leadership Matters (Even When You’re Not the Leader)

One of the biggest lessons time teaches you is this: people don’t disengage because they’re lazy. They disengage because leadership teaches them – directly or indirectly – that it’s ok to stop caring.

If quality doesn’t matter at the top, it won’t matter below.
If integrity is optional for leaders, it becomes negotiable for everyone else.
If feedback is ignored, people stop offering it.

As a leader, you cannot expect employees to care deeply about things you visibly don’t.

And when you do encounter leaders (managers, colleagues, peers) who lead authentically, with consistency, fairness, and real accountability? That’s when people show up fully. That’s when teams work better together. That’s when effort multiplies instead of draining people dry.

What I’d Tell My Younger Self (Through My Son)

If I could sit across from my younger self, this is what I’d say:

Work hard. Take pride in what you do. Be curious. Be reliable. But be selective about where you give your whole self, your best self.

Ask yourself:

• Would this leader/employer stand up for me if it mattered?
• Do they value quality, or just appearances?
• Is effort rewarded, or simply expected and taken for granted?
• Would they do the same for me if roles were reversed?

If the answer is consistently no, adjust accordingly. Not with bitterness. Not with drama. Just with clear boundaries.

You’re allowed to protect your energy.
You’re allowed to match effort to compensation.
You’re allowed to care wisely.

That doesn’t make you cynical, it makes you discerning.

The Line Between Professionalism and Self-Sacrifice

Professionalism means doing your job well, ethically, and with integrity, all the while being mindful of the people around you.

Self-sacrifice is when you keep giving long after it’s clear your effort is neither seen nor valued, and you tell yourself it’s noble, it’s virtuous, instead of costly.

That line looks different for everyone. And most of us only find it after we’ve crossed it a few times.

I Don’t Regret Being Idealistic Early in My Career

That version of me learned a lot. I do wish that I’d understood sooner that discernment isn’t a flaw; it’s a skill. And caring deeply and giving endlessly are not the same thing, and that one should never require the other.

Being professional doesn’t mean giving everything you have, all the time, to anyone who asks. It means showing up with integrity, doing your work well, and knowing when to draw a line so you don’t lose yourself in the process.

That’s the part I wanted my son to hear.
Not “care less,” but care with intention.
Not “don’t try,” but don’t give your best to people or systems that have shown you they don’t respect or value it.

That isn’t laziness. It isn’t entitlement. And it isn’t unprofessional.

It’s just experience.

If this got you thinking about leadership, culture, and why people show up the way they do at work, this piece from Great Place To Work Canada explores that relationship in a really thoughtful way. Click here to read.

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